The perpetrators’ dirty little secret won’t be revealed to you. Narcissists and abusers are hiding something from you. They find it so embarrassing that many of them won’t even confess it to themselves. They mask it under their verbal assault, bluster, bravado, and arrogance. The strong persona of the narcissist deceives others. Their words baffle them, and their hostility intimidates and humiliates them. They are unaware that an abuser’s conduct is a smoke and mirror game and that their personality is a façade. It is created as a defensive mechanism to conceal a fearful, insecure kid inside—a youngster who feels as unimportant as the abuser’s façade of significance. Their cover is that they are needy and insecure. They must, at all costs, have a sense of control and strength because of this. When you discover this, their whole nature and abuse become clear. They portray themselves as unnecessary and criticize their partners’ wants and emotions. Some narcissists and abusers seem to be fairly self-sufficient when they are not in an intimate relationship. Nevertheless, their jobs, coworkers, and casual partners draw attention to them. They are competitive when it comes to romantic relationships. Later, they insist that you abide by their unreasonable requests, which sometimes include being left alone. Understanding a narcissist’s thought process is essential for self-defense.
Control
To feel comfortable, narcissists need to exert control over other people, their surroundings, as well as their beliefs, emotions, and behavior. They exploit you, make demands of you, or both to elevate themselves and diminish you. In the end, you experience the same sense of insecurity that they do. This is a projective identification defense. Your emotions allow you to understand how people really feel and, often, how they were treated as children.
Grandiosity
Be aware that narcissists must boast, embellish, and dream about their superiority. They exhibit a superior, envious, haughty demeanor and a desire to be associated with the greatest, most costly, or well-known goods and people. All of these actions are ways for people to boost their self-esteem and feel less embarrassed of their weaknesses and inadequacies. If they are the finest, they don’t have to feel tiny and unimportant, even by affiliation or by purchasing symbols of wealth.
Positivity and Envy
They must also think that they are superior to you and everyone else if they exhibit such conduct. They must outperform that individual if even one person succeeds or is superior in that area. They believe they are insufficient or a failure if they are not at the top. This explains their jealously and animosity toward others they compete with, even if just in their heads. Some vengeful and perfectionistic narcissists aggressively pursue retribution for actual or perceived wrongs by destroying their rivals.
Hypersensitivity
Additionally, their insecurity explains why they are very sensitive to any perceived or real criticism. If you disagree, they must be correct, thus you must be mistaken. Them will accuse you of being too sensitive, but in reality, it is they who are very sensitive to criticism. They assume a critique when they don’t get compliments. Additionally, they need ongoing approval, adulation, allegiance, and confirmation to prove that they are the best. They are so insecure that they continually depend on their narcissistic supply. Since of their extreme self-doubt, any praise or attention only serves to temporarily alleviate their suffering; yet, because they are ashamed inside, it has no lasting impact. Because of their guilt, narcissists are unable to take ownership of their words or deeds. They cannot confess any error, mistake, or even ownership of their own remarks because they are so scared of being evaluated lest they be required to defend themselves. Things are either good or terrible, black or white, success or failure in their universe. Because they already experience guilt and uncertainty, each mistake makes them awful, a failure, and unlovable.
Defenses
Their first line of defense, like a troubled kid, is denial, which may involve deliberate lying. The next line of defense is for them to point the blame upon you, their employer, the system, or other people—anyone except themselves. You spend time debating the facts because they are unimportant. They could even claim that you influenced their actions. Ironically, by placing the blame on you, they cede control. In essence, they’re suggesting that you have power over them. They will be startled if you bring this out to them. They advocate projection as a strategy after rejection. They blame you and others of being weak, too sensitive, inferior, unimportant, or whatever else they don’t want to feel about themselves. Instead of feeling weak, inferior, unimportant, or any other negative attribute. They use projection to cover up their dirty little secret and make you and other people seem helpless and responsible for all the issues.
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